I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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