I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
