I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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