Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
