??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
