You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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