I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
