I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
