She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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