my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
