If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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