The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
