So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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