I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
