We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
