My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
