Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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