I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
