I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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