I just pynch a tree in the face
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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