Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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