getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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