She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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