I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
