im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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