you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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