who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
