If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize