I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
