I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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