I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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