I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
