the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
