I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
