can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
