My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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