in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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