Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Rumble strips road head = magical
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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