I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
