I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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