I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
