You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize