Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
