My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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