I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
