He is an equal opportunity slut.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
