so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
