I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
