just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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