My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
