I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't notice because vodka
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
