so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
