I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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