I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
