omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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