He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize