broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I stole a fireplace last night.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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