my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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