I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Porn is love you can see.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
